Monday, January 05, 2009

torn..

seriously, i'm torn.

J asked me: 'what will be the perfect proposal'

i'm so regretting teaching him how to woo that girl. now, he's living my fantasies of the perfect boyfriend to another girl. random calls in the afternoon just to say how much he misses her, buying her dresses on occasions, just being there for her when she needs him, and so on....

i know i should be feeling happy for him, but it seems like a part of me is torn away. he has always been there for me, looking out for my welfare and my family's. i know i have been very unfair to him, but yet, he somehow made me think that he will always be there. like his feelings for me will never change even if Angelina Jolie wanted to be with him.

i know its very selfish of me to think that way and i should'nt be envious since i'm always the one turning him down. but i don't know why i started crying over the phone.

something he said really touched me, when i asked why is it that he is willing to spend every cent on a girl he likes(judging from the watch incident, and he recently spent $300 plus just to get a couple ring((as per my idea)) from Lee Hwa((NOT my idea)).

he said:
if you love someone with all your heart, you just want to give that person the best of everything. what is money? it's just something which can be spent and earned back again. but to earn the heart of someone, that means so much more that just money. you can spent an entire lifetime saving every pennny, but in the end, its from the satisfaction of seeing the smile on her face that makes it all worth while.

word for word, no paraphrasing. and to think i cried while he said those words.

he told me he did not regret waiting for me, although he felt really heartbroken and lost each time i rejected him. despite it all, in the end, he will be there for me whenever i need a shoulder to cry on. and to think that he believes things between me and shaun will have a good ending if we just hold on together.

why now?? at this circumstances??? if shaun and i were back how we used to be, i would have gladly congratulated him. but now, i can't help being so jealous.....

i'm tired of our really petty quarrels, but that seems to be what's revolving around us. even if we're not quarrelling, and even if we're seating nest to each other, there's nothing to talk about. like there's a wall of silence seperating the both of us, keeping each of us in our own little mind, thinking what should we say next. is that the effect of a long-term relationship?? and to think people will think otherwise.

i no longer feel like he loves me, and we're together just for the sake of once being passionately in love.....

ps: nauseus headache came back, not sure if its my aneamia acting up.. cramping like mad, think i'll jog it off later.

pss: i know this is not the right time, but i feel like i'm falling, in and out.