Wednesday, November 21, 2007

HATING MYSELF

STARTING TO HATE MYSELF

and i really mean it.

got off the phone with mr horny just now and towards the end, i started hatig myself more and more with the cold-blooded things i say, and yet all this time, i do not even mean it. i'm sorry if i hurt you in my choice of words and tone, but your's was just as insensitive.

after the ginormous fall i had, i tried to learn to be strong, and at the same time protect myself from getting hurt, really do not want to relieve the pain the past experience has brought. and yet, while in the process of learning to be strong, i find the old me dissappearing, the one i prefer, in the process of hardening my outer shell,it sort of affected me inside that i thought it would be better to harden myself inside too. little did i know that it would hurt me myself and the people around me.

people who knew me well knew that i was an extremely carefree, and i really mean that i do not give a damn about things, unless the problems will jeopardise my life or something.

but now, i'm hogged down by thoughts of money and the flood of emotions makes me talk really tactlessly. well, I HATE IT.

i used to care less about money, but now, how to get more and more jobs, which ones will pay me more. maybe its because i rely on ricky too much in the past financially that it has now made me into miser, making me scringe in every way possible just so that i have enough to spend on weekends. yes, i know that money is not everything, but now, to pass each day all requires money.

i'm sorry to those i still owe birthday presents to, i'll get them asap when i get myself a job.

regarding the flood of emotions, it might just be my stupid pms, or maybe i've been repressing these emotions for far too long. many a times i feel that just brushing aside a certain feeling, it might just go away, and yet, it still comes back to haunt me. ashamed of these feelings, yes, i admit. and try as i might to be strong, i've conceded defeat, i'm not.

maybe its just my pms

signing off, its coming 2.30 in the morning

love,
chanel