Saturday, July 28, 2007

the two of us

THE TWO OF US

i discovered that just one wrongly sent message can actually kill me, internally.

was sending this message to reina but only realised that i have wrongly sent it to ricky!! and it was suppose to be most of my heartfelt feelings regarding RICKY!! my god!!

well, after that message, we( him and me) did converse through message, but it brings back all this memories and feelings that i have kept at the back of my heart for so long.

yes, i know i have turned into a party animal ever since we've parted, and that everyone sees it as i've gotten over it overnight. call me a bitch all you want. but well, what can i do now but make myself as distracted as possible???

ok. i admit.I HAVE NOT GOTTEN OVER HIM!! ok??

thinking of him still hurts me like crazy and i still dream of us together. but what am i to do, for a guy who has no feelings left for me? so what if i cried my eyes out, will it change anything?? i doubt so. his messages to me seems so, friend-like, and yet, should i be happy with just that? that at least we remained as friends?

to ferly: loads of admirers, so what? they are not AT ALL what i want. nothing to be proud of.

its funny, how things have turnd into such a circumstance. it seems just yesterday when both of us were still fooling around, uberly contented with each other's company, and now, we're back to just being friends. and me, reminiscing on the past with tears filling my eyes

i missed holding those big rough hands of his, running my hand through his hair, seeing him smiling back at me and definitely, his kisses. his one single kiss on my forehead can actually make me feel so secured as if there is not a single care in the world.

i love him, i still do, alot. but it seems impossible now, that we can ever be together and return to what we used to be, unless some miracles happen along the way.

anyway, life's a big chop of mess now and i know that i am behind it. should i give up on him or should i not? i still feel the same way as i used to, but somehow, the way he talks to me makes me want to give up. all the more what happened on the last day we saw each other.

well, as long as he's happy. now i know how jason felt.

we conversed on the phone just a few days ago, and although it was a casual talk, not the emotion filled ones we used to share, i can't help but let silent tears roll down my cheek at the sound of his voice. i know he must be sick and tired of hearin me cry, thus i dared not make a sound. i wanted to shout at him and tell him that i missed him like crazy and that i still do love him with every fibre of my being, telling him to stop this wilful game and let me back into his embrace.

but somehow, i stopped myself.

now to me, by wanting something, means you'll never get it.

love,
chanel

ps: pardon me for this super emo entry, i really needed an outet to vent my feelings. and besides, i don' t think he reads my blog.