Monday, July 30, 2007
i need a miracle
I NEED A MIRACLEhe says that we should remain as friends and take thing slow. but seriously, its killing me inside. to be just able to see you and not do the things we used to do in the past. how am i going to survive this?
dear,
if you're reading this, i know i've hurt you way too much, but i've already learnt from my mistakes. why is it that you can't just trust me this once? for the past few days, i've learnt to realise what a bitch i've become. but all i need now is your forgiveness. i'm not going to give up on you, you mean too much to me. i'll still be here for you despite whatever obstacles that we are facing in the present or future.
love,
chanel
ps: to those whom i've ignored during this period of time, i'm sorry as i do not mean to. its just that i've too much on my mind to entertain.
♥ the last words are written at 8:26 PM
Saturday, July 28, 2007
the two of us
THE TWO OF USi discovered that just one wrongly sent message can actually kill me, internally.
was sending this message to reina but only realised that i have wrongly sent it to ricky!! and it was suppose to be most of my heartfelt feelings regarding RICKY!! my god!!
well, after that message, we( him and me) did converse through message, but it brings back all this memories and feelings that i have kept at the back of my heart for so long.
yes, i know i have turned into a party animal ever since we've parted, and that everyone sees it as i've gotten over it overnight. call me a bitch all you want. but well, what can i do now but make myself as distracted as possible???
ok. i admit.I HAVE NOT GOTTEN OVER HIM!! ok??
thinking of him still hurts me like crazy and i still dream of us together. but what am i to do, for a guy who has no feelings left for me? so what if i cried my eyes out, will it change anything?? i doubt so. his messages to me seems so, friend-like, and yet, should i be happy with just that? that at least we remained as friends?
to ferly: loads of admirers, so what? they are not AT ALL what i want. nothing to be proud of.
its funny, how things have turnd into such a circumstance. it seems just yesterday when both of us were still fooling around, uberly contented with each other's company, and now, we're back to just being friends. and me, reminiscing on the past with tears filling my eyes
i missed holding those big rough hands of his, running my hand through his hair, seeing him smiling back at me and definitely, his kisses. his one single kiss on my forehead can actually make me feel so secured as if there is not a single care in the world.
i love him, i still do, alot. but it seems impossible now, that we can ever be together and return to what we used to be, unless some miracles happen along the way.
anyway, life's a big chop of mess now and i know that i am behind it. should i give up on him or should i not? i still feel the same way as i used to, but somehow, the way he talks to me makes me want to give up. all the more what happened on the last day we saw each other.
well, as long as he's happy. now i know how jason felt.
we conversed on the phone just a few days ago, and although it was a casual talk, not the emotion filled ones we used to share, i can't help but let silent tears roll down my cheek at the sound of his voice. i know he must be sick and tired of hearin me cry, thus i dared not make a sound. i wanted to shout at him and tell him that i missed him like crazy and that i still do love him with every fibre of my being, telling him to stop this wilful game and let me back into his embrace.
but somehow, i stopped myself.
now to me, by wanting something, means you'll never get it.
love,
chanel
ps: pardon me for this super emo entry, i really needed an outet to vent my feelings. and besides, i don' t think he reads my blog.
♥ the last words are written at 1:27 AM
Monday, July 23, 2007
happy birthday rodney; i've screwed up my life AGAIN
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RODNEY
the birthday boy !as last friday was rodney's birthday, me and fel has been planning all week to play a birthday prank on him. however, things did not turn out as we expected.
we wanted to make him rush down to tampines because of a fight me, fel and cyril got into, and expected him to bring a knife down, you know, to cut the cake. although however convincing fel was, he was not punk'd. damn. he sped down to my block, yes, but he was all calm and walking around looking for us while me and fel was hiding in the car. cyril went to look for a lighter for the candles on the cake. when rodney arrived and cyril was not back yet, we were damn scared that our plans will go to waste. at the end,it ended up alright. except that rodney did not fall for the trick .damn.
a very random pic of mitoswe made rodney finish the mini cake we bought him, but as we did not have any utensils, he had to use his hands and the cake looks freaking spongy, which was kinda gross for my taste. it does'nt even look edible! stupid four leaves bakery.
does'nt he look like edison chen from this angle??
having difficulty eating the cake *laughs*
went rounding after that at pierce reservoir but the skies looks daunting enough. as it was quite dark at the car park and that there were a few cars parked there, me and fel decided to have a little fun while the guys go park their bikes. me and fel went looking at all the cars, some of which had their air con on, trying to catch a couple making out.
at the end, we can only come up with conclusions as those couples seems really good at hiding. damn.
think i'm suffering from serious short term memory right now. i can't seem to remember what i did over the weekends. jave asked me this morning where did i go and i swear i took around 5 minutes to actually answer him a gist of saturday.
ok ok, fel juz reminded me what i did on saturday. went to eat pepper lunch( seriously good food) then cyril's house for vcds followed by dinner cum supper at changi village. ending off at changi airport (again!)
ricky called yesterday, bringing back with him all the memories and my hidden feelings. i miss him, A LOT, i admit.what can i do? he's become a part of my life. everywhere i go, there are always things that reminds me of him. what i can do now is try to move on.
well, i thought now that i have broken up with ricky, things will turn out for the better, but things are just deteriorating to the rocks. oh well, as people always say: just go with the flow.
to those it might concern: get off my back before i blow at you.
love,
chanel
ps: special thanks to JOHN for giving me one of the best massages and making me super happy for it. now i'm gonna ask for it everyday. =P
♥ the last words are written at 11:59 AM
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
celebrating my new life: sometimes i amaze myself
WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG ENTRYso little time and yet so many things have happened. sometimes just looking back astonishes me that so many BIG things can happen and yet to me, it does'nt really seem like it had happened. well, welcome to my new life.
first off, i have broken up with ricky, this time for real. this may come as a shock for some but for the others, our prediction came true. don't worry people, much to my own amazement, i have already gotten over it, much more sooner than i thought. maybe, i did not love him as much i thought i have OR maybe i was getting sick of how he treated me like shit for the last few days. although i have gotten over him, its seems weird that a few weeks ago, we were still happily together, or maybe, it was just me happy, and now, we're gone. he claimed to have lost all possible feelings for me and that we were not meant to be, all that shit. well, breaking up is for the better, i think.
it'll be hard for me, i know, to find another guy who can offer the same sense of security he used to give me. but well, the sadness is over, just a bit of reminiscing of the past. but its thanks to felicia that i manage to get over it in less than 3 days. it just took one full day of tears and next day is smiles again. i might be stronger than i think.
addicted to the song 'last night' by P diddy. really meaningful to me. shows how a guy's HUGE ego can actually ruin a relationship.
ok ok, i shall stop talking about ricky. gist of what i have been up to these past days.
fri went to double O with felicia and john. john seemed horribly scared to dance with me though. but by the time we were done dancing, we were all sweating like crazy. was spotted by some professional looking photogapher while we're dancing the night away. met rodnea(pronounced as rodny, not rodnia) for the first time and it was kinda weird as i did not know him and yet he was gonna pillon me ( that man's got a mean set of wheels i tell you). went to chinatown for supper before going home.
me and john before dancing
fel, john and lychee martini
i'm so sweaty
getting on the dance floor
cam-whoring even in the toilet saturday, was a day full of tears, shattered hearts and bruises on my arm. i have totally given up on him now and i am super glad that felica was there for me. went out at around 10 at night with felicia, cyril, rodnea and sky. went to changi village to see some bapok before going on to explore old changi hospital. wanted to scare some teenagers before realising that they are actually a group of police. was running away in the dark and silent giggles. we then decided to go changi airport as our next stop. ate burger kings breakfast despite my pleas for mac's and was laughning over the pronounciation of the croissant. went home only at 6am after afew complaints from mum.
woke up on sunday feeling weird, i ate breakfast and went to sleep.anyway felicia called me to go brewerkz for lunch and so rodnea came to fetch me. felt so bad as i made him wait in the hot sun while i bathed. what to do, ask him to ride slowly don't wanna listen to me. *trying to look smart* after lunch, we all followed rodnea to get mc, as he's too lazy to book in. oops, top secret exposed. went to cyril's house to watch 'epic movie' vcd and laughed ur heads off.
'lil' rodnea and cyril relieving childhood memories on the see-saw intending to go to school on monday, BUT felicia happily called me while i was on the bus and manages to persuade me to skip school AGAIN. almost naturally kelvin and jave skipped school with me. after a really really short afternoon nap with an EXTREMELY weird dream( fel should know) went out to watch die hard 4.0 with fel, cyril and rodnea at vivocity. went to marina pier after that and had some serious cam-whoring. what to do? that's what you get when two cam-whoress comes together.
this is what i do when i get bored 
at marina pier. super hang out place 
trying to mimic a ghost
i'm look so tired
cyril spoilt the pic
random cam-whoring pictures.
that's about all for now, gotta go help out with the presentation
love,
chanel
ps: i love you fel!!! thanks to you, i fell in love with rounding. i seriously do not know what is wrong with blogger, i first few paragraphs are all crammed up. totally disgusting
♥ the last words are written at 10:00 AM
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
my first puff
GOODBYE JASON, I'LL MISS YOUdamn, i am freaking late for school, and not because i could'nt wake up from late night drinks last night. there was a massive jam at TPE that after 10 mins of sleep, i wake up seeing that i am still in the same position. i ended up reachin school just in time for the first break.
goodbye jason, i'll be missing you and your lameshit jokes. sorry that i have to leave early last night, got school ma, but we'll meet up one of these days.
went to the airport to meet jason last night to accompany him to do closing. poor guy was all alone. went to the kitchen to help myself to apple juice before jason opened a bottle of white wine. i forgot the name though, but it was quite smooth with a light taste. sadly, i'm a red wine person.
took a cab down to pasir ris to meet mr pocohontas aka shantosh, son of pocohontas. i tell you,this guy is going to die when he goes to the army, his navigation sucks like shit! we ( kelvin me and jason) were in the cab rounding the place like a bunch of country bumpkins. when we finally got to fisherman village and settled down at the pub, it was 11.35 already AND i had to be home before 1.15( i got school remember??)
had quite an experience though. tried something that is suppose to be super addictive and shantosh was saying that i look like a professional even though it was my first time doing it. not going to say what is it, but poor jason got blamed for being a bad influence on me. sooner than you think, we were talking about trying out seeshas.
well, did not drink much last night due to the time constraint. only had hoegarden, which sucked big time, bacardi peach and a pure vodka shot which tasted like the anesthesia used to numb the skin before you get an injection. should have ordered a vodka cranberry instead.damn.
could not get a cab and got quite pissed off but was saved when kelvin stopped a car and was sent to the main road where there are more cabs. could not thank the malay couple more.
lucky when i got home, mum only smelt the smell of alcohol on me and nothing else. thank god!
love,
chanel
ps: sorry no pics though. forgot all about taking photos. sorry,my bad
♥ the last words are written at 10:18 AM
Thursday, July 05, 2007
a test is not = to minor operation
THANK GOD FOR LAPPYthank god that i decided to bring my lappy to the hospital, what are the odds of getting hospitalised on a visit to the hospital? ok, i did NOT plan on being hospitalised, i was thinking more of the waiting time for the doctor's. the last time i was there, i had to wait 3 hours for the freaking blood test.
my appointment was being brought forward due to the swelling of my leg AGAIN. so, to me, its just another visit to the skin specialist, and if i'm lucky enough, i might even get away with blood test. but it seems like, today is one of the days when i did not count my lucky stars correctly.when i heard that i got to do a biopsy test, i thought, well, what test can be worse than the blood test? stupid needles.
ok, before i did the biopsy test, i actually had to sign on this green form full of words titled something about operation procedures. freaking out, i asked the doctor what exactly is she going to do to me and what she said made my heart stop.
well, she's gonna do a BLOOD TEST, and then INJECT me with lots of anaesthesia before CUTTING out two pieces of the affected skin and then STITCH it up. after that, i have to be admitted into the ward for at least 5 hours for observation. who would have thought an innocent sounding test is actually a minor operation??
for the first time in my life, i lied on the operation table with a rough 'changi geneal hospital' blanket wrapped around me. i swear, the injection for the anaesthesia took my breathe away. if you think the needle for the blood test is thick, this was two times thicker. no kidding! dr lynn was 'kind' enough to tell me what she was doing, but too detailed for comfort. although there was only one hole punctured by the needle, she had to move the needle around while injecting that thick white liquid. at first when i saw the needle used to draw the anaesthesia out the bottle, i almost fainted, it was so bloody thick that i seems like you are able to kill someone by stabbing.
ok, after the anaesthesia, i could hardly feel anything but i could still feel her cutting and sewing my skin, although there was no pain.
i was then wheeled ( first time on a wheel chair!) into my personal ward and left there to rot while mum went downstairs to buy polar chicken pies.
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me caught in a very unglam fashion oh no, my blood test just came out, low blood pressure, low sugar level. damn, gotta be hooked to the stupid IV for glucose. damn. lucky i brought me lappy, or else i swear i would have rotted by now.
anyway, i've got something else to bitch about. so those who does not want to read about it can just close this window.
this goes to all those to whom it may concern. i'm not stating any names, but you know who you are. i know what you have been saying behind my back, but since you guys are just another bunch of childish imbeciles, why should i do you the honour of entertaining you by being angry? i've said before and i hate to repeat it again, but since you guys are so insolent, i shall repeat myself. you hate me? say it to my face. what's the point of bitching behind my back like some bloody cowards? to get more USELESS supporters?
totally disgusting. face up to reality and stop living in fantasies. ignorant fools. and for all those whom i thought were mature enough to play games like these, i look down on you.If you don't like someone, you bloody go confront them, and clear things up - like what normal people do. stop acting like some assed up 3 year old kids. URGGGH! THE MONSTROSITY!
and for those KIDS who still goes around calling me a bitch. read this and get this into the thick skull of yours:
i haved been named alot of things which include the famous slut and bitch. i am not a slut, i know, as i have not stolen or slept with anyone's bf. for the bitch, analogically, i admit i am, i bitch about anything under the sun, that's what most girls do,( unless their some undercover nun) so what can you do to me? crucify me? if you are talking theoritically, i am certain i am not a bitch as firstly, i am not a dog, and secondly, i do not sleep around. is it very difficult to differentiate? (taken from my archives)
an advice for you to ponder over : its wiser to know your enemy than the terrain of your field.
love,
chanel
♥ the last words are written at 5:43 PM
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
bad times do last
BAD TIMES DO LASTwell, i used to lie to myself that bad times don't last, but the truth is, it does. the reason for this entry is that people have been nagging at me to update my blog, and not because i wanted to. not exactly in the mood right now for anything.
problems have not been depleting despite how strong i try to be. instead, its surmounting like nobody's business. areas which revolves around my life and that are bloody important to me is just crumbling into pieces, like a wall after war. love, family and friends. much as they are important to me, its just killing me instead, suffocating me in any way possible. despite all this, who am i to judge the future?
what more, my only pillar of strength is, how can i say, is almost gone. the shoulder i used to lean for comfort and support on seems beyond my reach. how i yearn for that. who can blame me for jumping to conclusions in times like these??
both emotional and physical aspects of me is failing. lost more weight than i expected and to add to that, bad flu and fever.
because of the excessive weight lost, i was kind of shocked when my levi's jeans could fit me no longer. it seems horribly loose out of a sudden and seems to hang on to me because of the belt. ok, i admit that i've cut down on meals, alot, and that i've excercised more than usual, but to lose more than 5kgs in 2 weeks?? i should seriously open a slimming centre of my own. no operations, injections or pills needed.
i will not talk about the details of whatever has happen, in case some bitch/ bastard come reading my blog and start bitching rumours about me again. i've had enough of all these ignorant, childish imbeciles.
anyway, my life is a piece of shit right now, anymore agitations from people who are of no relevance to the current situation and has totally no comprehension will be seriously considered to be prosecuted. you know who you are, so scram!
love
chanel
ps: heartfelt thanks to fel, kel and zul for just being there. and to hui xin for what you wrote on my taggie, time does not heal all wounds, it just makes you numb to the pain of it.
